[Ah. On the one hand, it doesn't NOT feel nice, this sort of careful attention. On the other hand, it's a reminder of how unpresentable he is/was, when he invited Kaspar in. What would mother say if she could see all of this?? That she raised him better than this, of course. Why can't he be more like Klint? Klint would never make such a mistake. Really, as he was now, he wouldn't normally make such a mistake!! He wouldn't even be put in this situation because staff allows the proper buffer to prepare oneself for company!!!
He spends so much time fretting over this that he almost doesn't spend any brain space enjoying it. Which is normal for van Zieks. What is joy. Haven't heard of it. When he does manage to focus on that, however, he allows himself, ever so slightly, to lean into the touch.]
I am... not exactly the marriage type. So that is hardly an option. I would not inconvenience someone else by... forcing them into a union simply so that we may leave this place. [Would a loveless marriage even count in the goddess' eyes? Who knows.]
But... thank you. Again, pray forgive the discourtesy of greeting you in such a state.
[ Kaspar notices the little things, the physical far more than the verbal, so it isn't until he leans in ever so slightly that Kaspar's touch turns ever so slightly more affectionate as he goes about reaching his goal. He tilts his head to the side, considering how van Zieks looks with it brushed this way or that. He didn't mean forced marriage, furrowing slightly when curiosity overtakes any thought of clarifying. ]
... do you, not believe in love, then?
[ But the final comment pulls his gaze directly to the other man's face and stills his hand. Kaspar presses his warm and reassuring palm against his friend's head while he shakes his own no, because-- ]
[Between the question and Kaspar's warm and gentle touching, it's nigh impossible for van Zieks to keep the color from rising in his face, particularly as he remembers miss Adelaides shockingly direct analysis of his issue that he'd been unwilling to put the words to.]
That- No, that is not the issue. It- [But he can't just ADMIT it in a situation like this. What if Kaspar thinks it strange, suspicious even, this sort of behavior. What if he doubts his intentions? No, no, he absolutely can't do that.]
I have... Recently and in the past found myself betrayed by those I thought highly of, and those that I thought I knew better than anyone. I do not feel it in me to give that sort of implicit trust to another any time soon. [It's not.... really a lie. Maybe an exaggeration, at worst. However it's also not really the main issue he has.]
[ Kaspar nods slowly, taking another sip while his hands starts slow ministrations again. It's clearly more comforting than practical, though Kaspar instinctively keeps the attention light. On some level, he strives to stay within the other man's comfort, the line within which Kaspar suddenly feels he's been trusted with. There is no active calculation, just the attempt to be a good friend.
That is all he does at first, because the words are more difficult for him. It isn't always so much that he cannot find any words, but the correct ones. In these more fragile moments, it is even harder. He wants to sound sincere through the flurry of imagined betrayals. All of them make him sad to picture someone harming such a man of conviction.
Feeling makes it into his tone thickly, despite his brevity, because he can think of no words that can soothe this sort of thing. This isn't something to be fixed by making tea or tilling a field. ]
I'm sorry...
[ For the first time, Kaspar looks genuinely embarrased, fingers curling just a fraction. Arms length, just where he keeps most. But here van Zieks is, deceptively simple in a disarming way. He'll have to fix that part of his hair.
Kaspar's smile, a shade vulnerable when his gaze wanders out the window. ]
[As much as he finds the idea of fully trusting someone again daunting, as much as the bitter part of him really does want to say fuck it and never trust anyone again, he really doesn't want to close himself off further. After all, trusting Ryunosuke had been the right call, hadn't it? And having the kneejerk reaction he'd had to Genshin's perceived betrayal had been the wrong one. Things... really are so complicated. Even Klint and Gregson's betrayals had not been unilateral. Really, it had been that they didn't fully trust him, wasn't it? Enough to tell him the truth. Enough to think he could handle the truth. Even though they were so close to him, whereas Ryunosuke, who had ever right to hate him, chose to trust him and defend him against his closest friend. Why? And why is Kaspar now choosing to? Well it's because he doesn't know. He's only been given a cursory glance at Barok van Zieks, one that was for the most part, carefully curated.]
... I fear that is a choice rooted in ignorance.
[He hadn't lied, but it really hadn't been the main issue. His only reason to keep it from Kaspar was for his own sake. Is it fair of him to do that when Kaspar is choosing to trust him? No... It's really no different than what Klint did to him, save perhaps in severity of issue.]
I... there is much you do not know that may chance that decision. I do not... feel it prudent to burden you with much of it now but... I feel I should at least say this. So that you do not come to find out later and believe I have been improper in accepting your attentions. [It's difficult, it's not something openly spoken about in polite Victorian society, and with the cultural differences among everyone here, he cannot rely on subtler statements of the facts. He turns his head away from Kaspar as he finally finishes;]
There is another issue I have in regards to the end goal of marriage... and it is that I do not personally have any interest in the fairer sex.
[ Kaspar feels he has said enough of his feelings for now, though his quiet hum might be recognized as one someday as subtle disagreement He smoothes the dark hair disrupted by his fingers.
He tilts another sip back, tracking the morning birds with his eyes. Trusting van Zieks came surprisingly easy for Kaspar. It might be his honesty, or that sense of unselfish justice, that draws him in. Now really isn't the time to argue that ignorance does not always make one wrong, nor does less make things clearer in every respect.
There is no initial reaction to the admission, besides Kaspar's gaze returning to van Zieks as the other man looks away from him. His expression is calm, eyes as if grey skies could be bright. Understanding is there too, bubbling up from the familiar twist in his gut. Van Zieks wouldn't feel the need to tell him this, as though it were something to be kept secret, if both of their homes were more like this island.
Kaspar's hand falls, grazing knuckles lightly down a cheek until his other hand joins him in fussing over his collar instead. ]
I believe... We are free to have interest in whomever we like, here.
[ Hands flattening against van Zieks to pause, Kaspar tries to explain for the first time to anyone-- ]
Though... would you consider it strange, then, that I find beauty in both?
[The admission catches him so off guard he doesn't even have the brain space left to worry that the fussing indicates another failure on his part to be presentable. It of course at no point now would occur to him that Kaspar is simply fussing for the sake of it.
In any case, some part of him had anticipated, perhaps "hoped" was a more judicious word, that Kaspar would take his admission gracefully, and accepted it. It was his custom to ignore that part, to worry after the more negative outcome. Just because Kaspar had been kind so far does not mean he does not have limits. Most people do.
But even in his more optimistic scenario he hadn't expected this. He couldn't exactly say he'd heard of such a thing before. He had only actively interacted with others of his type for a few scant years in university, and that was only after in a moment of frustration over marriage proposals he had no interest in but still had to politely consider, he had confessed his feelings to Klint, who had introduced him to an associate familiar with London's Gentleman's Clubs that catered to those tastes. He'd never thought too much about how Klint was aware of such a thing, hadn't allowed himself to, because as far as he was aware at the time, it was one or the other and he had loved the good lady Baskerville as if she'd truly been his sister rather than simply sister-in-law, and the idea of Klint not truly caring for her was too horrible to even consider. But... both, is it?]
I hardly see how I could. It would make you half as strange as me, would it not? [Either way, he's visibly relieved at this, as much as he wasn't expecting it, his shoulders untensing as he runs a hand over his now properly smoothed back hair with a heavy exhale.]
[ Kaspar sighs, so soft it's barely an exhale save for its length. His gaze lingers on his hands, fingers pressing into fabric slightly. With finality, he adjusts the waistcoat before hands and eyes all retreat from the other man. Half empty tea cup, still warm, all but forgotten on the plate across from van Zieks beckons him. Yet he doesn't step away. His hands slide to clasp behind his back like usual.
This isn't a conversation he's had before, outside the love he found once. Even then, they never concerned themselves with much beyond their tender feelings for one another. Of course, there were always what the doctrines had to say on the matter. They echo in his mind even now, but Kaspar hadn't been able to keep them perfectly even when he'd actually believed in them. Only here, had he truly come to understand that he had more interest in women than he'd originally thought back home. Perhaps it was the resentment from lack of choice, or his lack of experience with them alone. There is no point in fretting over it now.
His smile is more contented than before. Humor, blending with sincerity. ]
Would it? I'm afraid, I haven't done the calculations.
[Inwardly, he's almost dissapointed when Kaspar pulls away, enough that he doesn't even consciously recognize the thought beyond the vague sense of the emotion. (Van Zieks's profile: likes being pampered.) But what choice does he have, ask for more attention??? Out of the question entirely.]
If I am honest... it's not something I have heard of before, but that is how I would figure it, personally. [Because I, Caitie, refuse to make Barry biphobic. He sits back, taking his own half-forgotten cup absently in his hands, for some reason a little bit less worried and self-conscious over the slight slouch he allows himself. It's improper of a noble to sit even the slightest bit wrong, but well, he's at least a slight bit wrong, isn't he? And maybe, just maybe, that is ok? Thoughts to mull over later.]
Do you drink, Kaspar? [We've gone from Mr Kaspar to Mr Blumlund to just Kaspar all in one conversation.]
[ Kaspar shrugs, unsure of it himself. But he is in no hurry to label himself one thing or another, not when he has so little experience.
Drinking... he had seen it on a profile. Even without that, it is obvious that van Zieks is most definitely talking about more than drinking tea. It's a feeling he's accustomed, like a word continually on the tip of his tongue. Something that he is vaguely aware of, but unsure of the details that fill in its silhouette.
His posture is straight without the military tension in his broad shoulders, comfortably and naturally so when he takes his seat and returns to his tea. Over the rim of his cup, he is honest without fear of being called an idiot. ]
[ Kaspar takes a sip of his tea, watching van Zieks and his reaction. He shakes his head, setting his tea down and leaning an elbow on the table as his posture slants towards it and the other man.
There are many reasons, things that would make it clear why. Predictably, it takes him a moment and Kaspar does not provide the context. ]
[ Kaspar trails, with more to say. And generally he would stop himself here and then do what he planned anyway. He doesn't think van Zieks will begrudge him a moment and another sip of his tea.
He's been listening to townspeople about things-- ]
Though... I believe I'd like the first time to be on a special occasion. And I've heard there may be a dance soon.
... Ah. [He had also heard of it, because he's been information gathering out of habit, but.]
That's something you were planning on attending? [Said with a tone that says he absolutely wasn't. As a noble of good standing, of course van Zieks has been invited to many parties, dances and otherwise. However he's rarely if ever gone to any of them in the last decade, particularly as the myth of the Reaper grew. He didn't have much interest in mingling, and he knew the invitations were a courtesy and no one actually wanted the Reaper at their event.]
[ Kaspar hums softly into his tea cup again. The thought twists in his chest ever so slightly. Even if he didn't like the crowds or the prospect of dancing in front of them, this one might be different. And more importantly, it would be a choice.
He thinks they may have this in common as well. ]
Was... your dance card, only made up of the fairer sex, as well?
Of course. Though that's hardly the only reason I saw little value in them. Even... even back when I was in more of a state to attend such things, I did not... I am not particularly adept at the sort of socialization expected at these events.
[Before he got The Depression he was just Awkward.]
[ Kaspar breathes a little laugh. He is far less adept at explaining these types of things. But van Ziek's words are so fitting it almost surprises him. ]
I suspect, it will be different.
[ Ah, but he wants to share too. None of this plays out on his face before he states it simply. ]
[This doesn't surprise him, neither the fact that he avoided them or the fact that he had ones to go to. Kaspar carries and comports himself well, it's hardly difficult to believe he's of noble enough birth to have such events to attend. Still.]
With the group we have here, I can hardly imagine it matching such high society events.
Though I'm curious to know your reasons for shirking them, yourself.
[For van Zieks, it does, and he lets out a short clipped laugh before taking a sip from his cup, so easily, because how much of a relief it is that he can discuss this issue freely with Kaspar?]
Ah, that issue. I think London society has given up on me at this point, thankfully, but years ago, constantly, "you still aren't spoken for, Barok?" "you know, Klint was married already for two years when he was your age!" "My Jessica would be a perfect fit for you, Lord van Zieks!" [Scoffs.] As if they had any idea.
[ Kaspar blinks, the short laugh crinkling the edges of his eyes. He listens, rapt attention and familiar subject matter making this feel... nice. He laughs, more freely at the culminating scoff.
In turn, he imitates his mother's high pitched yet stern and nasal tone. ]
"Think of the nation, Kaspar."
[ A shake of his head. ]
... Now that my brothers are married, I am spared for the moment.
[It really is nice, to be able to commiserate like this. He relaxes in his seat, a faint and uncommon smile on his face.]
Small blessings, I suppose. When that moment runs out, you may consider becoming a grim spectre of death, it seems to put people off on a more permanent basis. [It's a joke, really, but also van Zieks giving Kaspar the option to ask more about this sort of demeanor van Zieks has apparently carried on his shoulders, should he want to.]
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He spends so much time fretting over this that he almost doesn't spend any brain space enjoying it. Which is normal for van Zieks. What is joy. Haven't heard of it. When he does manage to focus on that, however, he allows himself, ever so slightly, to lean into the touch.]
I am... not exactly the marriage type. So that is hardly an option. I would not inconvenience someone else by... forcing them into a union simply so that we may leave this place.
[Would a loveless marriage even count in the goddess' eyes? Who knows.]
But... thank you. Again, pray forgive the discourtesy of greeting you in such a state.
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... do you, not believe in love, then?
[ But the final comment pulls his gaze directly to the other man's face and stills his hand. Kaspar presses his warm and reassuring palm against his friend's head while he shakes his own no, because-- ]
There is nothing for me, to forgive.
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That- No, that is not the issue. It-
[But he can't just ADMIT it in a situation like this. What if Kaspar thinks it strange, suspicious even, this sort of behavior. What if he doubts his intentions? No, no, he absolutely can't do that.]
I have... Recently and in the past found myself betrayed by those I thought highly of, and those that I thought I knew better than anyone. I do not feel it in me to give that sort of implicit trust to another any time soon.
[It's not.... really a lie. Maybe an exaggeration, at worst. However it's also not really the main issue he has.]
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That is all he does at first, because the words are more difficult for him. It isn't always so much that he cannot find any words, but the correct ones. In these more fragile moments, it is even harder. He wants to sound sincere through the flurry of imagined betrayals. All of them make him sad to picture someone harming such a man of conviction.
Feeling makes it into his tone thickly, despite his brevity, because he can think of no words that can soothe this sort of thing. This isn't something to be fixed by making tea or tilling a field. ]
I'm sorry...
[ For the first time, Kaspar looks genuinely embarrased, fingers curling just a fraction. Arms length, just where he keeps most. But here van Zieks is, deceptively simple in a disarming way. He'll have to fix that part of his hair.
Kaspar's smile, a shade vulnerable when his gaze wanders out the window. ]
But... I fear I cannot help but trust you.
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... I fear that is a choice rooted in ignorance.
[He hadn't lied, but it really hadn't been the main issue. His only reason to keep it from Kaspar was for his own sake. Is it fair of him to do that when Kaspar is choosing to trust him? No... It's really no different than what Klint did to him, save perhaps in severity of issue.]
I... there is much you do not know that may chance that decision. I do not... feel it prudent to burden you with much of it now but... I feel I should at least say this. So that you do not come to find out later and believe I have been improper in accepting your attentions.
[It's difficult, it's not something openly spoken about in polite Victorian society, and with the cultural differences among everyone here, he cannot rely on subtler statements of the facts. He turns his head away from Kaspar as he finally finishes;]
There is another issue I have in regards to the end goal of marriage... and it is that I do not personally have any interest in the fairer sex.
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[ Kaspar feels he has said enough of his feelings for now, though his quiet hum might be recognized as one someday as subtle disagreement He smoothes the dark hair disrupted by his fingers.
He tilts another sip back, tracking the morning birds with his eyes. Trusting van Zieks came surprisingly easy for Kaspar. It might be his honesty, or that sense of unselfish justice, that draws him in. Now really isn't the time to argue that ignorance does not always make one wrong, nor does less make things clearer in every respect.
There is no initial reaction to the admission, besides Kaspar's gaze returning to van Zieks as the other man looks away from him. His expression is calm, eyes as if grey skies could be bright. Understanding is there too, bubbling up from the familiar twist in his gut. Van Zieks wouldn't feel the need to tell him this, as though it were something to be kept secret, if both of their homes were more like this island.
Kaspar's hand falls, grazing knuckles lightly down a cheek until his other hand joins him in fussing over his collar instead. ]
I believe... We are free to have interest in whomever we like, here.
[ Hands flattening against van Zieks to pause, Kaspar tries to explain for the first time to anyone-- ]
Though... would you consider it strange, then, that I find beauty in both?
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In any case, some part of him had anticipated, perhaps "hoped" was a more judicious word, that Kaspar would take his admission gracefully, and accepted it. It was his custom to ignore that part, to worry after the more negative outcome. Just because Kaspar had been kind so far does not mean he does not have limits. Most people do.
But even in his more optimistic scenario he hadn't expected this. He couldn't exactly say he'd heard of such a thing before. He had only actively interacted with others of his type for a few scant years in university, and that was only after in a moment of frustration over marriage proposals he had no interest in but still had to politely consider, he had confessed his feelings to Klint, who had introduced him to an associate familiar with London's Gentleman's Clubs that catered to those tastes. He'd never thought too much about how Klint was aware of such a thing, hadn't allowed himself to, because as far as he was aware at the time, it was one or the other and he had loved the good lady Baskerville as if she'd truly been his sister rather than simply sister-in-law, and the idea of Klint not truly caring for her was too horrible to even consider. But... both, is it?]
I hardly see how I could. It would make you half as strange as me, would it not?
[Either way, he's visibly relieved at this, as much as he wasn't expecting it, his shoulders untensing as he runs a hand over his now properly smoothed back hair with a heavy exhale.]
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This isn't a conversation he's had before, outside the love he found once. Even then, they never concerned themselves with much beyond their tender feelings for one another. Of course, there were always what the doctrines had to say on the matter. They echo in his mind even now, but Kaspar hadn't been able to keep them perfectly even when he'd actually believed in them. Only here, had he truly come to understand that he had more interest in women than he'd originally thought back home. Perhaps it was the resentment from lack of choice, or his lack of experience with them alone. There is no point in fretting over it now.
His smile is more contented than before. Humor, blending with sincerity. ]
Would it? I'm afraid, I haven't done the calculations.
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If I am honest... it's not something I have heard of before, but that is how I would figure it, personally.
[Because I, Caitie, refuse to make Barry biphobic. He sits back, taking his own half-forgotten cup absently in his hands, for some reason a little bit less worried and self-conscious over the slight slouch he allows himself. It's improper of a noble to sit even the slightest bit wrong, but well, he's at least a slight bit wrong, isn't he? And maybe, just maybe, that is ok? Thoughts to mull over later.]
Do you drink, Kaspar?
[We've gone from Mr Kaspar to Mr Blumlund to just Kaspar all in one conversation.]
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Drinking... he had seen it on a profile. Even without that, it is obvious that van Zieks is most definitely talking about more than drinking tea. It's a feeling he's accustomed, like a word continually on the tip of his tongue. Something that he is vaguely aware of, but unsure of the details that fill in its silhouette.
His posture is straight without the military tension in his broad shoulders, comfortably and naturally so when he takes his seat and returns to his tea. Over the rim of his cup, he is honest without fear of being called an idiot. ]
... I would not know.
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You... as in, you do not know what I mean when I ask that?
[What is going ON in your weird mountain???]
As in, alcohol. Wine and spirits and the like.
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There are many reasons, things that would make it clear why.
Predictably, it takes him a moment and Kaspar does not provide the context. ]
... No, I haven't before. Not yet.
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[Weird mountain. Hm.]
Well, there is a winery here, and I happen to have a bit of a hobby of wine tasting and curation, if you're ever interested in trying it.
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[ Kaspar trails, with more to say. And generally he would stop himself here and then do what he planned anyway. He doesn't think van Zieks will begrudge him a moment and another sip of his tea.
He's been listening to townspeople about things-- ]
Though... I believe I'd like the first time to be on a special occasion. And I've heard there may be a dance soon.
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[He had also heard of it, because he's been information gathering out of habit, but.]
That's something you were planning on attending?
[Said with a tone that says he absolutely wasn't. As a noble of good standing, of course van Zieks has been invited to many parties, dances and otherwise. However he's rarely if ever gone to any of them in the last decade, particularly as the myth of the Reaper grew. He didn't have much interest in mingling, and he knew the invitations were a courtesy and no one actually wanted the Reaper at their event.]
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[ Kaspar isn't sure what to wear as of yet, since we'll say he hasn't gotten his outfit yet. Don't think he didn't hear that tone though. ]
... Have you been to many?
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[He sighs.]
Not that I ever particularly enjoyed them in the first place. But some things are unavoidable.
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[ Kaspar hums softly into his tea cup again. The thought twists in his chest ever so slightly. Even if he didn't like the crowds or the prospect of dancing in front of them, this one might be different. And more importantly, it would be a choice.
He thinks they may have this in common as well. ]
Was... your dance card, only made up of the fairer sex, as well?
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[Before he got The Depression he was just Awkward.]
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I suspect, it will be different.
[ Ah, but he wants to share too. None of this plays out on his face before he states it simply. ]
Though... I avoided mine, before.
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With the group we have here, I can hardly imagine it matching such high society events.
Though I'm curious to know your reasons for shirking them, yourself.
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I didn't wish to get married.
[ The irony of their current situation is lost on him. And he says it as if it explains everything. ]
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Ah, that issue. I think London society has given up on me at this point, thankfully, but years ago, constantly, "you still aren't spoken for, Barok?" "you know, Klint was married already for two years when he was your age!" "My Jessica would be a perfect fit for you, Lord van Zieks!" [Scoffs.] As if they had any idea.
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In turn, he imitates his mother's high pitched yet stern and nasal tone. ]
"Think of the nation, Kaspar."
[ A shake of his head. ]
... Now that my brothers are married, I am spared for the moment.
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Small blessings, I suppose. When that moment runs out, you may consider becoming a grim spectre of death, it seems to put people off on a more permanent basis.
[It's a joke, really, but also van Zieks giving Kaspar the option to ask more about this sort of demeanor van Zieks has apparently carried on his shoulders, should he want to.]
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Cw war stuff, death and blood, a little visceral
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