[ It's early in the morning when Kaspar finds the van Zieks farm today. Their farms share the forest, and Kaspar has come dressed a shade more appropriately for farmwork than the last time he'd seen the taller man. He'd been at the meeting, wandering off and around at some point (and not delivering the answers he wrote but decided to keep in his room). Kaspar still saw what happened, from a distance. But he's not sure the prisoner would've appreciated his first instinct to pick the hay from his hair.
So it isn't long after that, when Kaspar appears in his familiar white trousers, a few tools added to his belt with his holster and box of bullets. The leather boots are familiar too, but most surprisingly he's traded the rest of his livery for a warm plaid button up, long sleeves shoved up and a few of the front buttons undone. It reveals little, beyond part of his tighter white undershirt. Protection from the sun or modesty, the culprit is a mystery.
He looks up at the still lightening sky, realizing he has no idea what time it is. Kaspar doesn't seem to have shame about getting distracted smiling up at the soft morning light starting to drift through the trees. No, he doesn't miss the bells or the manipulated light. ]
[Kaspar really showing up like a fancier version of the Brawny paper towels man. Stop van Zieks is already charmed you don't need to do this.
That said, van Zieks doesn't even think to answer the door at first, not simply acting on his avoidant tendencies, but having literally forgotten there's no staff here to answer the door and turn people away for him. He's not asleep, whether he had been or not is irrelevant, he always looks tired anyway. But since the sun was (technically) up, he'd made tea and was simply poring over his notes (both what people provided and the things he'd recorded himself after the meeting of what all they currently know, when he finally sits up with a start realizing that there are no butlers and the only other person in the house is still asleep.
He gets up in a hurry, ready to simply shoo off whoever it is, and thus doesn't give any mind to how he's dressed. (Not that he's undressed, but by fancy Victorian standards, the fact that he's just in his shirt, trousers, and boots is Underdressed.) But then he sees it's Kaspar, and he has to actually think about his next course of action.]
Ah, Mr. Kaspar. Is there something I can help you with?
[ Kaspar hardly notices the wait. Though he's wandered a few steps away in the meantime. His calm gaze drifts from sky to prosecutor, without a change in his small smile as light steps carry him closer. His expression is just as contented as it'd been while directed at nature; chill yet happy to see him, all in one.
It's hard to tell if he's being playful or not from mellow tone alone-- ]
[ Kaspar's soft, pleased hum rides rides an exhale as van Zieks folds. There is a marked difference now, when he no longer perceives those words as negative but a feeble attempt to rebuff him. Yet there is no point in calling out a kettle for whistling. He didn't think far enough ahead to expect it, but he isn't surprised by it now either. He just calmly steps inside, hands clasped loosely behind his back.
He tears his gaze from van Zieks and his exposed collar bones-- he's really not used to seeing them so close to his face with the height the other man has on him. But now he is on a mission, inspecting the ceilings and hunting for loose floorboards with every step.
These farmhouses aren't big, so he'll probably spy that tea pretty fast though, causing him to pause and look at van Zieks wherever he is now. It might be a calm expression, but there is a thread of worry in his brows. ]
[He'd been too distracted to think about it, but even Kaspar's casual glance is enough to remind van Zieks of how underdressed he is. Now, he has noticed, tacitly, that a lot of the Modern People clearly have laxer standards for dress, but 1. Kaspar seems to not be one of those people in his estimation 2. he refuses to adjust to the lowest common denominator dangit.]
I haven't, I typically don't eat much in the mornings, but- [Wait no he can't just leave his guest unattended??? How do people do anything in their homes without staff.]
I can, at least, brew a fresh pot of tea if you would like, if you'd excuse me for just a moment, I'm hardly dressed for company. [He's thrown off his rhythm this is not a situation he's at all prepared to handle.]
[ Kaspar is happy, at first, the new information fluttering lightly in his stomach. It sinks, though, plummeting to his knees once he can practically feel van Zieks floundering in the distance between them. Yet just because he can tell, doesn't mean he has a clue as to the why or what to do.
Did he wear too much? Is he being a bad guest?
Kaspar shakes his head eventually, to the tea, though it's hard to tell.
And then suddenly he starts fluidly unbuttoning his flannel with deft fingers. Predictably, he has no words. Height difference aside, he offers it to van Zieks by holding it out for him with both hands.
Unfortunately, Kaspar's white undershirt is the one from under his uniform, form fitting and sleeveless. ]
[This situation just went from bad to worse, in a way that literally wouldn't be a problem for an average modern day person, unfortunately we don't have those here. Van Zieks can't help but catch a glimpse of Kaspar in his undershirt, but very quickly averts his gaze as he attempts to fight back the redness that flushes his pale face.]
N-no, please, keep your shirt, Mr. Blumlund! [Switching to a more formal address as if to counterbalance the massive impropriety going on here. Kaspar didn't give it but van Zieks sure has been taking note of everyone's profiles.]
I only need to run to the other room for my waistcoat. Please, excuse me- [And he makes a brisk exit to the other room. He isn't even thinking about the fact that a van Zieks could certainly never be caught dead wearing a flannel shirt like some sort of workman. There's too many other distracting thoughts going on in his head, including how surprisingly toned Kaspar is?? But why would it be surprising, Kaspar surely could be a military man by the uniform he'd worn before, which would also explain his practical skills. Wouldn't it be normal then??? Why is he thinking about it!!!!]
[ Kaspar watches the flush calmly, stilling with the soft flannel beneath his fingers. His gloves are looped over his belt, leaving his clean hands bare. The reaction tears him between feeling bad and soaking in the new expression. He's not sure he could really look away, even if he wanted to while momentarily rooted to the spot. Kaspar is already pulling the flannel back away from van Zieks when he switches to Mr. Blumlund. It almost makes him feel like he's in trouble somehow.
He watches the other man leave, nodding in response without knowing what to say to help, while also openly curiously as he puts his arm through one flannel sleeve and then the other.
Leaving Kaspar alone with quickly cooling tea he feels he's ruined and nothing else to do is a dangerous thing. So, depending on how long van Zieks is gone will determine how far along he gets in putting on fresh tea, his old cup already escorted to the counter nearby. Kaspar doesn't button his flannel back up, using it doubled over as an oven mitt of sorts. Take too long and he will start looking for things to fix. And should van Zieks need even more of a break, Kaspar will move on to examining and trying if there's anything that might look like it needs help. ]
[Part of van Zieks, the awkward, barely grown boy that got abruptly shoved down into a dark corner of his mind the day Klint died, wants to just put his head under a pillow and groan for at least an hour. But he cannot give into that because he has to KEEP UP APPEARANCES AND HOST HIS GUEST PROPERLY.
So he just hurriedly does smarten up, putting on his waistcoat and necktie. PRESENTABLE. He resists the urge to put on his full jacket since they are still at home, considering his (Klint's) prosecutor's badge before thinking better of it. He won't be gone more than five or so minutes, taking an extra one to try to compose himself.]
My apologies, I wasn't intending on entertaining company, or I would have done that beforehand. I am also, I must confess, not used to having to greet visitors myself. [He is very rich this is all very hard for him.]
[ Kaspar is caught, then, only just beginning tea. His smile is only a shade unsure until it settles with van Zieks words and more importantly, the way he says them. Kaspar nods, still feeling bad but turning back to focus on the tea because any apology of his own sounds shallow.
So, he buttons his flannel back up while it heats. Over his shoulder, before he reaches his collar, Kaspar eventually responds with a glance to wherever van Zieks is by then. ]
[Ah now there he's gone and made Kaspar think he was some sort of inconvenience!!! Nice going, Barok. You are really knocking this friendship thing out of the park. That had always been a nice thing about Albert, for better or worse, he wasn't best at giving much thought to if he was overstaying his welcome.]
Ah, of course, please, I didn't mean to suggest I'd like for you to leave, just that I may not be a very adept host. [He runs a hand fretfully through his hair, still mostly brushed back though in a haphazard sort of way that suggests it hasn't properly been styled since he'd woken up.]
All I was doing prior to your arrival was, frankly, agonizing over what little information we have to try to see a way out of things. I know there is hardly anything I can do, at present, but... [Another sigh,]
I've had far too much of feeling powerless already, and I can't fight the feeling of having to try.
[ Kaspar can't help but turn to van Zieks while he has a moment. The other man's words work, in a way, to help Kaspar see more clearly. The frazzlement didn't seem to be his fault alone anymore, which softens his smile.
Then, he listens as he continues as long as needed in the kitchen. He hums in response, to signal his full attention even before he is setting up tea on the table as best he knows how. It... probably is nowhere close to Victorian standards, but there is an attempt to mimic the (dish and cup probably?) Or whatever van Zieks had going on here before.
Fresh tea, with whatever he had out to go with it. At least his flannel is buttoned almost all the way up by the time he is before him. Still considering all of those stresses, unsure how best to help his new friend, he works quietly. It's not something he frets over now, the stretch of his own silence.
But before he can sit down, Kaspar asks softly, venturing more boldly for such a tone as he prepares his own cup-- ]
... couldn't the truth of it be, as the goddess said?
Edited (I smacked it too soon) 2022-12-12 06:16 (UTC)
[Could the goddess be telling the truth? Well, now that he's no longer in denial about her being a goddess, sure. It's possible. But...]
That if we tend to these farms, and ultimately wed, she will let us return home? Certainly that could be the truth, but it is not an option I am willing or able to pursue. I also am not willing to remain here indefinitely, however. As those are the only two options presented, it is necessary to try and uncover something else.
[ Kaspar nods again, in response, but he is quiet again as van Zieks spells out his thoughts with enviable ease. He stands straight to sip at his own tea before setting his little plate beside the seat opposite van Zieks.
With his tea cup in one hand, the free one lifts partway between them. After this morning, Kaspar hesitates just so, obvious in his want to be helpful in some way until the words come. Even if that way is to fuss over the other man's hair with an unashamed smile. ]
[He freezes up, actually not sure what is even being asked. But it's clear enough that he's pausing before some sort of physical contact, which especially after the earlier awkwardness, he can't help but be a little wary of.
That said, after Satoko's fussing over him yesterday, he's more keenly aware of how bereft he's been of human contact. Maybe... maybe just a little is ok. Especially if it's Kaspar. Maybe? Or maybe it's more dangerous because of... other reasons. No, surely it's not going to be anything so dramatic. Keep it together, Barok.]
You may. [He's a little stiff, nervous as he is. But it's just a slight added tension.]
[ Kaspar's smile softens, though like most times he carries himself with a peace that comes naturally. Casually, he closes the distance with light fingers, as deft with locks as they are with buttons, bullets, or tea as they move to settle his hair into something more presentable.
Eventually, standing beside him with one hand in his hair, Kaspar speaks more freely again. Truthfully, he believes that if anyone might find a way, it is van Zieks. He only doubts there is one, as this sort of trap feels like a familiar yet prettier one. ]
... I can help you, tend to the farm in the meantime, then. There is no predicting love though, I believe.
But in this way, should you find it, then you might have the option of not returning home alone.
Edited (Forgot one partfhfjj) 2022-12-13 07:11 (UTC)
[Ah. On the one hand, it doesn't NOT feel nice, this sort of careful attention. On the other hand, it's a reminder of how unpresentable he is/was, when he invited Kaspar in. What would mother say if she could see all of this?? That she raised him better than this, of course. Why can't he be more like Klint? Klint would never make such a mistake. Really, as he was now, he wouldn't normally make such a mistake!! He wouldn't even be put in this situation because staff allows the proper buffer to prepare oneself for company!!!
He spends so much time fretting over this that he almost doesn't spend any brain space enjoying it. Which is normal for van Zieks. What is joy. Haven't heard of it. When he does manage to focus on that, however, he allows himself, ever so slightly, to lean into the touch.]
I am... not exactly the marriage type. So that is hardly an option. I would not inconvenience someone else by... forcing them into a union simply so that we may leave this place. [Would a loveless marriage even count in the goddess' eyes? Who knows.]
But... thank you. Again, pray forgive the discourtesy of greeting you in such a state.
[ Kaspar notices the little things, the physical far more than the verbal, so it isn't until he leans in ever so slightly that Kaspar's touch turns ever so slightly more affectionate as he goes about reaching his goal. He tilts his head to the side, considering how van Zieks looks with it brushed this way or that. He didn't mean forced marriage, furrowing slightly when curiosity overtakes any thought of clarifying. ]
... do you, not believe in love, then?
[ But the final comment pulls his gaze directly to the other man's face and stills his hand. Kaspar presses his warm and reassuring palm against his friend's head while he shakes his own no, because-- ]
[Between the question and Kaspar's warm and gentle touching, it's nigh impossible for van Zieks to keep the color from rising in his face, particularly as he remembers miss Adelaides shockingly direct analysis of his issue that he'd been unwilling to put the words to.]
That- No, that is not the issue. It- [But he can't just ADMIT it in a situation like this. What if Kaspar thinks it strange, suspicious even, this sort of behavior. What if he doubts his intentions? No, no, he absolutely can't do that.]
I have... Recently and in the past found myself betrayed by those I thought highly of, and those that I thought I knew better than anyone. I do not feel it in me to give that sort of implicit trust to another any time soon. [It's not.... really a lie. Maybe an exaggeration, at worst. However it's also not really the main issue he has.]
[ Kaspar nods slowly, taking another sip while his hands starts slow ministrations again. It's clearly more comforting than practical, though Kaspar instinctively keeps the attention light. On some level, he strives to stay within the other man's comfort, the line within which Kaspar suddenly feels he's been trusted with. There is no active calculation, just the attempt to be a good friend.
That is all he does at first, because the words are more difficult for him. It isn't always so much that he cannot find any words, but the correct ones. In these more fragile moments, it is even harder. He wants to sound sincere through the flurry of imagined betrayals. All of them make him sad to picture someone harming such a man of conviction.
Feeling makes it into his tone thickly, despite his brevity, because he can think of no words that can soothe this sort of thing. This isn't something to be fixed by making tea or tilling a field. ]
I'm sorry...
[ For the first time, Kaspar looks genuinely embarrased, fingers curling just a fraction. Arms length, just where he keeps most. But here van Zieks is, deceptively simple in a disarming way. He'll have to fix that part of his hair.
Kaspar's smile, a shade vulnerable when his gaze wanders out the window. ]
[As much as he finds the idea of fully trusting someone again daunting, as much as the bitter part of him really does want to say fuck it and never trust anyone again, he really doesn't want to close himself off further. After all, trusting Ryunosuke had been the right call, hadn't it? And having the kneejerk reaction he'd had to Genshin's perceived betrayal had been the wrong one. Things... really are so complicated. Even Klint and Gregson's betrayals had not been unilateral. Really, it had been that they didn't fully trust him, wasn't it? Enough to tell him the truth. Enough to think he could handle the truth. Even though they were so close to him, whereas Ryunosuke, who had ever right to hate him, chose to trust him and defend him against his closest friend. Why? And why is Kaspar now choosing to? Well it's because he doesn't know. He's only been given a cursory glance at Barok van Zieks, one that was for the most part, carefully curated.]
... I fear that is a choice rooted in ignorance.
[He hadn't lied, but it really hadn't been the main issue. His only reason to keep it from Kaspar was for his own sake. Is it fair of him to do that when Kaspar is choosing to trust him? No... It's really no different than what Klint did to him, save perhaps in severity of issue.]
I... there is much you do not know that may chance that decision. I do not... feel it prudent to burden you with much of it now but... I feel I should at least say this. So that you do not come to find out later and believe I have been improper in accepting your attentions. [It's difficult, it's not something openly spoken about in polite Victorian society, and with the cultural differences among everyone here, he cannot rely on subtler statements of the facts. He turns his head away from Kaspar as he finally finishes;]
There is another issue I have in regards to the end goal of marriage... and it is that I do not personally have any interest in the fairer sex.
[ Kaspar feels he has said enough of his feelings for now, though his quiet hum might be recognized as one someday as subtle disagreement He smoothes the dark hair disrupted by his fingers.
He tilts another sip back, tracking the morning birds with his eyes. Trusting van Zieks came surprisingly easy for Kaspar. It might be his honesty, or that sense of unselfish justice, that draws him in. Now really isn't the time to argue that ignorance does not always make one wrong, nor does less make things clearer in every respect.
There is no initial reaction to the admission, besides Kaspar's gaze returning to van Zieks as the other man looks away from him. His expression is calm, eyes as if grey skies could be bright. Understanding is there too, bubbling up from the familiar twist in his gut. Van Zieks wouldn't feel the need to tell him this, as though it were something to be kept secret, if both of their homes were more like this island.
Kaspar's hand falls, grazing knuckles lightly down a cheek until his other hand joins him in fussing over his collar instead. ]
I believe... We are free to have interest in whomever we like, here.
[ Hands flattening against van Zieks to pause, Kaspar tries to explain for the first time to anyone-- ]
Though... would you consider it strange, then, that I find beauty in both?
[The admission catches him so off guard he doesn't even have the brain space left to worry that the fussing indicates another failure on his part to be presentable. It of course at no point now would occur to him that Kaspar is simply fussing for the sake of it.
In any case, some part of him had anticipated, perhaps "hoped" was a more judicious word, that Kaspar would take his admission gracefully, and accepted it. It was his custom to ignore that part, to worry after the more negative outcome. Just because Kaspar had been kind so far does not mean he does not have limits. Most people do.
But even in his more optimistic scenario he hadn't expected this. He couldn't exactly say he'd heard of such a thing before. He had only actively interacted with others of his type for a few scant years in university, and that was only after in a moment of frustration over marriage proposals he had no interest in but still had to politely consider, he had confessed his feelings to Klint, who had introduced him to an associate familiar with London's Gentleman's Clubs that catered to those tastes. He'd never thought too much about how Klint was aware of such a thing, hadn't allowed himself to, because as far as he was aware at the time, it was one or the other and he had loved the good lady Baskerville as if she'd truly been his sister rather than simply sister-in-law, and the idea of Klint not truly caring for her was too horrible to even consider. But... both, is it?]
I hardly see how I could. It would make you half as strange as me, would it not? [Either way, he's visibly relieved at this, as much as he wasn't expecting it, his shoulders untensing as he runs a hand over his now properly smoothed back hair with a heavy exhale.]
[ Kaspar sighs, so soft it's barely an exhale save for its length. His gaze lingers on his hands, fingers pressing into fabric slightly. With finality, he adjusts the waistcoat before hands and eyes all retreat from the other man. Half empty tea cup, still warm, all but forgotten on the plate across from van Zieks beckons him. Yet he doesn't step away. His hands slide to clasp behind his back like usual.
This isn't a conversation he's had before, outside the love he found once. Even then, they never concerned themselves with much beyond their tender feelings for one another. Of course, there were always what the doctrines had to say on the matter. They echo in his mind even now, but Kaspar hadn't been able to keep them perfectly even when he'd actually believed in them. Only here, had he truly come to understand that he had more interest in women than he'd originally thought back home. Perhaps it was the resentment from lack of choice, or his lack of experience with them alone. There is no point in fretting over it now.
His smile is more contented than before. Humor, blending with sincerity. ]
Would it? I'm afraid, I haven't done the calculations.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[ the next day-ish after the meeting ]
So it isn't long after that, when Kaspar appears in his familiar white trousers, a few tools added to his belt with his holster and box of bullets. The leather boots are familiar too, but most surprisingly he's traded the rest of his livery for a warm plaid button up, long sleeves shoved up and a few of the front buttons undone. It reveals little, beyond part of his tighter white undershirt. Protection from the sun or modesty, the culprit is a mystery.
He looks up at the still lightening sky, realizing he has no idea what time it is. Kaspar doesn't seem to have shame about getting distracted smiling up at the soft morning light starting to drift through the trees. No, he doesn't miss the bells or the manipulated light. ]
no subject
That said, van Zieks doesn't even think to answer the door at first, not simply acting on his avoidant tendencies, but having literally forgotten there's no staff here to answer the door and turn people away for him. He's not asleep, whether he had been or not is irrelevant, he always looks tired anyway. But since the sun was (technically) up, he'd made tea and was simply poring over his notes (both what people provided and the things he'd recorded himself after the meeting of what all they currently know, when he finally sits up with a start realizing that there are no butlers and the only other person in the house is still asleep.
He gets up in a hurry, ready to simply shoo off whoever it is, and thus doesn't give any mind to how he's dressed. (Not that he's undressed, but by fancy Victorian standards, the fact that he's just in his shirt, trousers, and boots is Underdressed.) But then he sees it's Kaspar, and he has to actually think about his next course of action.]
Ah, Mr. Kaspar. Is there something I can help you with?
no subject
It's hard to tell if he's being playful or not from mellow tone alone-- ]
... I owe a debt of inconvenience, I believe.
no subject
And I believe I told you that wasn't necessary.
[That said, since it's Kaspar...]
... But it would be discourteous of me to turn you away now after you've gone through the trouble.
[He steps aside to invite Kaspar inside.]
no subject
He tears his gaze from van Zieks and his exposed collar bones-- he's really not used to seeing them so close to his face with the height the other man has on him. But now he is on a mission, inspecting the ceilings and hunting for loose floorboards with every step.
These farmhouses aren't big, so he'll probably spy that tea pretty fast though, causing him to pause and look at van Zieks wherever he is now. It might be a calm expression, but there is a thread of worry in his brows. ]
... have you eaten?
no subject
1. Kaspar seems to not be one of those people in his estimation
2. he refuses to adjust to the lowest common denominator dangit.]
I haven't, I typically don't eat much in the mornings, but-
[Wait no he can't just leave his guest unattended??? How do people do anything in their homes without staff.]
I can, at least, brew a fresh pot of tea if you would like, if you'd excuse me for just a moment, I'm hardly dressed for company.
[He's thrown off his rhythm this is not a situation he's at all prepared to handle.]
no subject
[ Kaspar is happy, at first, the new information fluttering lightly in his stomach. It sinks, though, plummeting to his knees once he can practically feel van Zieks floundering in the distance between them. Yet just because he can tell, doesn't mean he has a clue as to the why or what to do.
Did he wear too much? Is he being a bad guest?
Kaspar shakes his head eventually, to the tea, though it's hard to tell.
And then suddenly he starts fluidly unbuttoning his flannel with deft fingers. Predictably, he has no words. Height difference aside, he offers it to van Zieks by holding it out for him with both hands.
Unfortunately, Kaspar's white undershirt is the one from under his uniform, form fitting and sleeveless. ]
no subject
N-no, please, keep your shirt, Mr. Blumlund! [Switching to a more formal address as if to counterbalance the massive impropriety going on here. Kaspar didn't give it but van Zieks sure has been taking note of everyone's profiles.]
I only need to run to the other room for my waistcoat. Please, excuse me-
[And he makes a brisk exit to the other room. He isn't even thinking about the fact that a van Zieks could certainly never be caught dead wearing a flannel shirt like some sort of workman. There's too many other distracting thoughts going on in his head, including how surprisingly toned Kaspar is?? But why would it be surprising, Kaspar surely could be a military man by the uniform he'd worn before, which would also explain his practical skills. Wouldn't it be normal then??? Why is he thinking about it!!!!]
no subject
He watches the other man leave, nodding in response without knowing what to say to help, while also openly curiously as he puts his arm through one flannel sleeve and then the other.
Leaving Kaspar alone with quickly cooling tea he feels he's ruined and nothing else to do is a dangerous thing. So, depending on how long van Zieks is gone will determine how far along he gets in putting on fresh tea, his old cup already escorted to the counter nearby. Kaspar doesn't button his flannel back up, using it doubled over as an oven mitt of sorts. Take too long and he will start looking for things to fix. And should van Zieks need even more of a break, Kaspar will move on to examining and trying if there's anything that might look like it needs help. ]
no subject
So he just hurriedly does smarten up, putting on his waistcoat and necktie. PRESENTABLE. He resists the urge to put on his full jacket since they are still at home, considering his (Klint's) prosecutor's badge before thinking better of it. He won't be gone more than five or so minutes, taking an extra one to try to compose himself.]
My apologies, I wasn't intending on entertaining company, or I would have done that beforehand. I am also, I must confess, not used to having to greet visitors myself.
[He is very rich this is all very hard for him.]
no subject
[ Kaspar is caught, then, only just beginning tea. His smile is only a shade unsure until it settles with van Zieks words and more importantly, the way he says them. Kaspar nods, still feeling bad but turning back to focus on the tea because any apology of his own sounds shallow.
So, he buttons his flannel back up while it heats. Over his shoulder, before he reaches his collar, Kaspar eventually responds with a glance to wherever van Zieks is by then. ]
Might I... still join you for tea?
no subject
Ah, of course, please, I didn't mean to suggest I'd like for you to leave, just that I may not be a very adept host.
[He runs a hand fretfully through his hair, still mostly brushed back though in a haphazard sort of way that suggests it hasn't properly been styled since he'd woken up.]
All I was doing prior to your arrival was, frankly, agonizing over what little information we have to try to see a way out of things. I know there is hardly anything I can do, at present, but...
[Another sigh,]
I've had far too much of feeling powerless already, and I can't fight the feeling of having to try.
no subject
Then, he listens as he continues as long as needed in the kitchen. He hums in response, to signal his full attention even before he is setting up tea on the table as best he knows how. It... probably is nowhere close to Victorian standards, but there is an attempt to mimic the (dish and cup probably?) Or whatever van Zieks had going on here before.
Fresh tea, with whatever he had out to go with it. At least his flannel is buttoned almost all the way up by the time he is before him. Still considering all of those stresses, unsure how best to help his new friend, he works quietly. It's not something he frets over now, the stretch of his own silence.
But before he can sit down, Kaspar asks softly, venturing more boldly for such a tone as he prepares his own cup-- ]
... couldn't the truth of it be, as the goddess said?
no subject
That if we tend to these farms, and ultimately wed, she will let us return home? Certainly that could be the truth, but it is not an option I am willing or able to pursue. I also am not willing to remain here indefinitely, however. As those are the only two options presented, it is necessary to try and uncover something else.
[And he takes a grumpy sip of the fresh tea.]
no subject
With his tea cup in one hand, the free one lifts partway between them. After this morning, Kaspar hesitates just so, obvious in his want to be helpful in some way until the words come. Even if that way is to fuss over the other man's hair with an unashamed smile. ]
... May I?
no subject
That said, after Satoko's fussing over him yesterday, he's more keenly aware of how bereft he's been of human contact. Maybe... maybe just a little is ok. Especially if it's Kaspar. Maybe? Or maybe it's more dangerous because of... other reasons. No, surely it's not going to be anything so dramatic. Keep it together, Barok.]
You may.
[He's a little stiff, nervous as he is. But it's just a slight added tension.]
no subject
Eventually, standing beside him with one hand in his hair, Kaspar speaks more freely again. Truthfully, he believes that if anyone might find a way, it is van Zieks. He only doubts there is one, as this sort of trap feels like a familiar yet prettier one. ]
... I can help you, tend to the farm in the meantime, then. There is no predicting love though, I believe.
But in this way, should you find it, then you might have the option of not returning home alone.
no subject
He spends so much time fretting over this that he almost doesn't spend any brain space enjoying it. Which is normal for van Zieks. What is joy. Haven't heard of it. When he does manage to focus on that, however, he allows himself, ever so slightly, to lean into the touch.]
I am... not exactly the marriage type. So that is hardly an option. I would not inconvenience someone else by... forcing them into a union simply so that we may leave this place.
[Would a loveless marriage even count in the goddess' eyes? Who knows.]
But... thank you. Again, pray forgive the discourtesy of greeting you in such a state.
no subject
... do you, not believe in love, then?
[ But the final comment pulls his gaze directly to the other man's face and stills his hand. Kaspar presses his warm and reassuring palm against his friend's head while he shakes his own no, because-- ]
There is nothing for me, to forgive.
no subject
That- No, that is not the issue. It-
[But he can't just ADMIT it in a situation like this. What if Kaspar thinks it strange, suspicious even, this sort of behavior. What if he doubts his intentions? No, no, he absolutely can't do that.]
I have... Recently and in the past found myself betrayed by those I thought highly of, and those that I thought I knew better than anyone. I do not feel it in me to give that sort of implicit trust to another any time soon.
[It's not.... really a lie. Maybe an exaggeration, at worst. However it's also not really the main issue he has.]
no subject
That is all he does at first, because the words are more difficult for him. It isn't always so much that he cannot find any words, but the correct ones. In these more fragile moments, it is even harder. He wants to sound sincere through the flurry of imagined betrayals. All of them make him sad to picture someone harming such a man of conviction.
Feeling makes it into his tone thickly, despite his brevity, because he can think of no words that can soothe this sort of thing. This isn't something to be fixed by making tea or tilling a field. ]
I'm sorry...
[ For the first time, Kaspar looks genuinely embarrased, fingers curling just a fraction. Arms length, just where he keeps most. But here van Zieks is, deceptively simple in a disarming way. He'll have to fix that part of his hair.
Kaspar's smile, a shade vulnerable when his gaze wanders out the window. ]
But... I fear I cannot help but trust you.
no subject
... I fear that is a choice rooted in ignorance.
[He hadn't lied, but it really hadn't been the main issue. His only reason to keep it from Kaspar was for his own sake. Is it fair of him to do that when Kaspar is choosing to trust him? No... It's really no different than what Klint did to him, save perhaps in severity of issue.]
I... there is much you do not know that may chance that decision. I do not... feel it prudent to burden you with much of it now but... I feel I should at least say this. So that you do not come to find out later and believe I have been improper in accepting your attentions.
[It's difficult, it's not something openly spoken about in polite Victorian society, and with the cultural differences among everyone here, he cannot rely on subtler statements of the facts. He turns his head away from Kaspar as he finally finishes;]
There is another issue I have in regards to the end goal of marriage... and it is that I do not personally have any interest in the fairer sex.
no subject
[ Kaspar feels he has said enough of his feelings for now, though his quiet hum might be recognized as one someday as subtle disagreement He smoothes the dark hair disrupted by his fingers.
He tilts another sip back, tracking the morning birds with his eyes. Trusting van Zieks came surprisingly easy for Kaspar. It might be his honesty, or that sense of unselfish justice, that draws him in. Now really isn't the time to argue that ignorance does not always make one wrong, nor does less make things clearer in every respect.
There is no initial reaction to the admission, besides Kaspar's gaze returning to van Zieks as the other man looks away from him. His expression is calm, eyes as if grey skies could be bright. Understanding is there too, bubbling up from the familiar twist in his gut. Van Zieks wouldn't feel the need to tell him this, as though it were something to be kept secret, if both of their homes were more like this island.
Kaspar's hand falls, grazing knuckles lightly down a cheek until his other hand joins him in fussing over his collar instead. ]
I believe... We are free to have interest in whomever we like, here.
[ Hands flattening against van Zieks to pause, Kaspar tries to explain for the first time to anyone-- ]
Though... would you consider it strange, then, that I find beauty in both?
no subject
In any case, some part of him had anticipated, perhaps "hoped" was a more judicious word, that Kaspar would take his admission gracefully, and accepted it. It was his custom to ignore that part, to worry after the more negative outcome. Just because Kaspar had been kind so far does not mean he does not have limits. Most people do.
But even in his more optimistic scenario he hadn't expected this. He couldn't exactly say he'd heard of such a thing before. He had only actively interacted with others of his type for a few scant years in university, and that was only after in a moment of frustration over marriage proposals he had no interest in but still had to politely consider, he had confessed his feelings to Klint, who had introduced him to an associate familiar with London's Gentleman's Clubs that catered to those tastes. He'd never thought too much about how Klint was aware of such a thing, hadn't allowed himself to, because as far as he was aware at the time, it was one or the other and he had loved the good lady Baskerville as if she'd truly been his sister rather than simply sister-in-law, and the idea of Klint not truly caring for her was too horrible to even consider. But... both, is it?]
I hardly see how I could. It would make you half as strange as me, would it not?
[Either way, he's visibly relieved at this, as much as he wasn't expecting it, his shoulders untensing as he runs a hand over his now properly smoothed back hair with a heavy exhale.]
no subject
This isn't a conversation he's had before, outside the love he found once. Even then, they never concerned themselves with much beyond their tender feelings for one another. Of course, there were always what the doctrines had to say on the matter. They echo in his mind even now, but Kaspar hadn't been able to keep them perfectly even when he'd actually believed in them. Only here, had he truly come to understand that he had more interest in women than he'd originally thought back home. Perhaps it was the resentment from lack of choice, or his lack of experience with them alone. There is no point in fretting over it now.
His smile is more contented than before. Humor, blending with sincerity. ]
Would it? I'm afraid, I haven't done the calculations.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
Cw war stuff, death and blood, a little visceral
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)